Best Website Ever
47 minutes ago
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
How to eat a hot dog
Ball it up and shove it down your throat.
But don't just ball it up. Fully extend your palm and mash it into the table in front of you, sans bread, and turn it into a thin slice. Mash it. I said mash it. Now split it in half. In doing so, you have created the requisite width to shove it down your throat. Don't taste it. There's no taste. Always remember this was the pig's genitals.
Now onto the bread. The bread is generic white bread with coma flavor. Dip it in drink. If the drink is dairy, you've failed. Use tonic water for extra blandness. Repeat the mash balling step and then shove it (down your throat). Wash it down with tonic water.
Repeat 67 times.
But don't just ball it up. Fully extend your palm and mash it into the table in front of you, sans bread, and turn it into a thin slice. Mash it. I said mash it. Now split it in half. In doing so, you have created the requisite width to shove it down your throat. Don't taste it. There's no taste. Always remember this was the pig's genitals.
Now onto the bread. The bread is generic white bread with coma flavor. Dip it in drink. If the drink is dairy, you've failed. Use tonic water for extra blandness. Repeat the mash balling step and then shove it (down your throat). Wash it down with tonic water.
Repeat 67 times.
America
A - For Ainsley Harriott.
M - For majesty. Your LSD-induced purple mountain majesty, which I guess means Grimace at the top of Mount McKinley.
E - For ED commercials. They have become an American tradition. Get in the hammock you two, and disgust me thoroughly.
R - For restitution.
I - For ice cream. Try being more American, I DARE YOU. THIS IS A DIRECT THREAT.
C - For candy. GIMME GIMME. THIS IS A DIRECT THREAT AS WELL.
A - Probably for America.
M - For majesty. Your LSD-induced purple mountain majesty, which I guess means Grimace at the top of Mount McKinley.
E - For ED commercials. They have become an American tradition. Get in the hammock you two, and disgust me thoroughly.
R - For restitution.
I - For ice cream. Try being more American, I DARE YOU. THIS IS A DIRECT THREAT.
C - For candy. GIMME GIMME. THIS IS A DIRECT THREAT AS WELL.
A - Probably for America.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Stroke Fun
Kid you, I not. (Or "Not, I kid you"?)
A poor soul was tasked with passing out stroke refrigerator magnets in town. Be more specifically, the acronym necessary for STROKE ACTION is printed on a refrigerator magnet. In greater detail, when you put a near empty jar of mayonnaise back in the fridge, read this. Act "FAST"!!!!!!!!....!
F = Face
Ask the person to smile. Does one side of the face droop?
Like this?
That explains.
A = Arms
Ask the person to raise both arms. Does one arm drift downward?
If your bud goes from touchdown to dead ball neutral zone, HE OR SHE A DEAD MAN.
How long do I wait before an arm drifts downward? Ten minutes seems unreasonable, but strokes don't dance with reason.
S = Speech
Ask the person to repeat a simple sentence. Are the words slurred?
Here's a sentence: Did you just have a stroke?
"flibbit jipty guboo"
We will get ready for a hospital journey.
T = Time
If you observe any of these signs, the person could be having a stroke.
The last step is a summary of all steps? A waste that could cost lives.
Naturally, I am better at this:
F = Fat
Is your friend fat? STROKE CITY BABY, BOOM BOOM POW
A = Alabama
In Alabama? Stroke.
S = Stroke
Can't stop it.
T = Taffy
Make them eat a whole bag of salt water taffy to prevent brain crapping. Brain crapping is the fourth largest cause of death
in Alabama. !11111
A poor soul was tasked with passing out stroke refrigerator magnets in town. Be more specifically, the acronym necessary for STROKE ACTION is printed on a refrigerator magnet. In greater detail, when you put a near empty jar of mayonnaise back in the fridge, read this. Act "FAST"!!!!!!!!....!
F = Face
Ask the person to smile. Does one side of the face droop?
Like this?
That explains.
A = Arms
Ask the person to raise both arms. Does one arm drift downward?
If your bud goes from touchdown to dead ball neutral zone, HE OR SHE A DEAD MAN.
How long do I wait before an arm drifts downward? Ten minutes seems unreasonable, but strokes don't dance with reason.
S = Speech
Ask the person to repeat a simple sentence. Are the words slurred?
Here's a sentence: Did you just have a stroke?
"flibbit jipty guboo"
We will get ready for a hospital journey.
T = Time
If you observe any of these signs, the person could be having a stroke.
The last step is a summary of all steps? A waste that could cost lives.
Naturally, I am better at this:
F = Fat
Is your friend fat? STROKE CITY BABY, BOOM BOOM POW
A = Alabama
In Alabama? Stroke.
S = Stroke
Can't stop it.
T = Taffy
Make them eat a whole bag of salt water taffy to prevent brain crapping. Brain crapping is the fourth largest cause of death
in Alabama. !11111
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tonight's Top Gift at Spencer's
It's a STAR LASER. Holy SMOKES, almighty smokin' lord. I'd explain it to you, but to hell with that:
"Set the extraordinary Star Laser anywhere and watch it create a hypnotic light show projected over any surface. Whether for your private pleasure or mad party, this little guy takes you to other worlds and galaxies beyond the imagination."
Hear that?
Private pleasure = Running it full speed ahead in your epileptic friend's face, or Mad party = Running it full speed ahead in a room full of your epileptic friends' faces
You probably saw that coming. *Shines "private pleasure" Star Laser in your face*
This "guy" travels the galaxies we haven't reached yet, so don't let those nerds at NASA get in on our private pleasure, or they will crash our mad party. And, also, guess what! It's only $119.99. Save that penny for the homeless.
Check out the reviews:
"I bought this for my boyfriend for valentine's day last year after seeing it in a friend's dorm room. He was blown away, and we still thouroughly enjoy laying in bed and watching the stars every night. It is definitely worth the money, because we plan to enjoy this for years to come. It's BEAUTIFUL!"
....
.................................
Put a Benjamin and a Jackson down so the love of your life can watch the pretty colors on the ceiling. AWESOME. Say, I've got something you might like. It's called Transformers 2.
"For years to come." Are these people cats? ANOTHER:
"My Uncle purchased the Star Laser as a holiday gift for my grandparents last year. All I can say is, that the entire family ended up in the master bedroom staring at the walls and ceiling. The Star Laser is super interesting, and loads of fun to watch. [...] it's an amazing gift for yourself or someone you really care about..."
Me: Hey Grandpa, got you a "Critmas" gift!
Grandpa: Oh gee, why thank you!
Me: Here, open it with your cane, you old bag.
Grandpa: Not sure why you have to be so me-
Me: OPEN IT NOW!
Grandpa: Okay.......what is this?
Me: STAR LASER, GIMME, IMMA PLUG UP DIS SUMBITCH. THOMAS EDISON'S LSD!
Grandpa: ......all senior citizens should have life alert.
Now for my official going to hell joke:
"Greetings, I bought this laser light for my fund raser for Special Olympics of Nevada, it made my show a huge success. The light is awsome. I highly recommand this light for any show or party. It is a super light with Stars"
Did they immediately think they were outside? Wow, that's terrible.
Naturally, I had to make my own review:
"I run a techno disco bed and breakfast temp agency notary, and I have got to say this star laser is the best money can buy. I use it for all of my mad parties, but also for security reasons, as most criminals are riddled with ADHD. I bought one for the living room, one for the kitchen, one for the bathroom, one for the closet, one for the attic, one for the dashboard of my car, one for the toolshed, one for the yard, one for the cupboard, one as a smoke detector, and one placed strategically within the sight of my neighbor's bed. As for "private pleasure," I like to put all eleven of my star lasers in one room and writhe on the floor. Not dance mind you, but writhe. Writhing is key to my enjoyment, you see. I would recommend this to a friend, but would prefer to recommend it to a stranger. "
Well worth the money, I says.
"Set the extraordinary Star Laser anywhere and watch it create a hypnotic light show projected over any surface. Whether for your private pleasure or mad party, this little guy takes you to other worlds and galaxies beyond the imagination."
Hear that?
Private pleasure = Running it full speed ahead in your epileptic friend's face, or Mad party = Running it full speed ahead in a room full of your epileptic friends' faces
You probably saw that coming. *Shines "private pleasure" Star Laser in your face*
This "guy" travels the galaxies we haven't reached yet, so don't let those nerds at NASA get in on our private pleasure, or they will crash our mad party. And, also, guess what! It's only $119.99. Save that penny for the homeless.
Check out the reviews:
"I bought this for my boyfriend for valentine's day last year after seeing it in a friend's dorm room. He was blown away, and we still thouroughly enjoy laying in bed and watching the stars every night. It is definitely worth the money, because we plan to enjoy this for years to come. It's BEAUTIFUL!"
....
.................................
Put a Benjamin and a Jackson down so the love of your life can watch the pretty colors on the ceiling. AWESOME. Say, I've got something you might like. It's called Transformers 2.
"For years to come." Are these people cats? ANOTHER:
"My Uncle purchased the Star Laser as a holiday gift for my grandparents last year. All I can say is, that the entire family ended up in the master bedroom staring at the walls and ceiling. The Star Laser is super interesting, and loads of fun to watch. [...] it's an amazing gift for yourself or someone you really care about..."
Me: Hey Grandpa, got you a "Critmas" gift!
Grandpa: Oh gee, why thank you!
Me: Here, open it with your cane, you old bag.
Grandpa: Not sure why you have to be so me-
Me: OPEN IT NOW!
Grandpa: Okay.......what is this?
Me: STAR LASER, GIMME, IMMA PLUG UP DIS SUMBITCH. THOMAS EDISON'S LSD!
Grandpa: ......all senior citizens should have life alert.
Now for my official going to hell joke:
"Greetings, I bought this laser light for my fund raser for Special Olympics of Nevada, it made my show a huge success. The light is awsome. I highly recommand this light for any show or party. It is a super light with Stars"
Did they immediately think they were outside? Wow, that's terrible.
Naturally, I had to make my own review:
"I run a techno disco bed and breakfast temp agency notary, and I have got to say this star laser is the best money can buy. I use it for all of my mad parties, but also for security reasons, as most criminals are riddled with ADHD. I bought one for the living room, one for the kitchen, one for the bathroom, one for the closet, one for the attic, one for the dashboard of my car, one for the toolshed, one for the yard, one for the cupboard, one as a smoke detector, and one placed strategically within the sight of my neighbor's bed. As for "private pleasure," I like to put all eleven of my star lasers in one room and writhe on the floor. Not dance mind you, but writhe. Writhing is key to my enjoyment, you see. I would recommend this to a friend, but would prefer to recommend it to a stranger. "
Well worth the money, I says.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Ten minutes or less: The King of Unpop
New Rule here at this piece of crap.
I make a post in ten minutes or less. No external links. No research. I hit "publish post" in exactly ten minutes. I started this post at 10:22 PM on 6/30/09. I have until 10:32 PM on 6/30/09.
The passing of Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop" meaning popular music really pissed me off bigtime, which is the proper reaction. If there is a king of popular music, then who is the King of unpopular music. Remember, opposites to everything exist. It was in Golden Compass 2: Die Darkman Die.
I have a few nominees: Bjork- Critically acclaimed by the deaf for her dulcet sounds of a cat gasping for oxygen, Bjork's full name is unknown (not cared about). She grew up in Iceland and pretty much learned to sing while vomiting. That's the only explanation we can fathom. She left Iceland on a ferry with her music books, but then she dropped the music books in the water and was left to make shit up as she went along on all of her commercial albums. "Bjork!" They would say. Then she would attack whoever said it. The DMV would be like "Beyork" and she would also attack them with that Icelandic fervor and "shit." Bjork was on top of the pops right before it was cancelled and erased from the PBS library of shows. PBS declines comment on its existence as well. Bjork shatters glass even with low notes. She wore a goose dress to Piggly Wiggly. She was 52.
I make a post in ten minutes or less. No external links. No research. I hit "publish post" in exactly ten minutes. I started this post at 10:22 PM on 6/30/09. I have until 10:32 PM on 6/30/09.
The passing of Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop" meaning popular music really pissed me off bigtime, which is the proper reaction. If there is a king of popular music, then who is the King of unpopular music. Remember, opposites to everything exist. It was in Golden Compass 2: Die Darkman Die.
I have a few nominees: Bjork- Critically acclaimed by the deaf for her dulcet sounds of a cat gasping for oxygen, Bjork's full name is unknown (not cared about). She grew up in Iceland and pretty much learned to sing while vomiting. That's the only explanation we can fathom. She left Iceland on a ferry with her music books, but then she dropped the music books in the water and was left to make shit up as she went along on all of her commercial albums. "Bjork!" They would say. Then she would attack whoever said it. The DMV would be like "Beyork" and she would also attack them with that Icelandic fervor and "shit." Bjork was on top of the pops right before it was cancelled and erased from the PBS library of shows. PBS declines comment on its existence as well. Bjork shatters glass even with low notes. She wore a goose dress to Piggly Wiggly. She was 52.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Honestly the first thing I thougth when the following people died
This is how we do it.
Ed McMahon - Oh no! Who's going to run WCW now?
Farrah Fawcett - I am saddened by these transpirings. On second thought, transpirings is probably not a word, and it is inappropriate to invent words at a time like this.
Michael Jackson - The Kingdom of Pop has lost its king. Long live the King of Pop. The Queen of Pop now must tend to the kingdom. I'm guessing this is Macy Gray. I don't know, I prefer wildly unpopular music at a time like this.
Billy Mays - This sucks. I bought mighty mend it for my sliced ear lobe. True story.
Marc Summers - God needed someone to slime him. Ernie Hudson was unavailable.
Richard Karn - Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarn
Christopher Lloyd - God needed some time travel, because he can't do that. Don't tell anyone.
I came back for this.
Ed McMahon - Oh no! Who's going to run WCW now?
Farrah Fawcett - I am saddened by these transpirings. On second thought, transpirings is probably not a word, and it is inappropriate to invent words at a time like this.
Michael Jackson - The Kingdom of Pop has lost its king. Long live the King of Pop. The Queen of Pop now must tend to the kingdom. I'm guessing this is Macy Gray. I don't know, I prefer wildly unpopular music at a time like this.
Billy Mays - This sucks. I bought mighty mend it for my sliced ear lobe. True story.
Marc Summers - God needed someone to slime him. Ernie Hudson was unavailable.
Richard Karn - Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarn
Christopher Lloyd - God needed some time travel, because he can't do that. Don't tell anyone.
I came back for this.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Indefinite Hiatus
Well, who didn't see this coming. Sorry.
1. I've been wearing multiple hats at work. Literally. I was fired for it.
2. Don't forget to tell me to go to hell. I'll try to make it back by the end of the month. Hopefully I will have the will to force more unoriginal ideas by that time.
And is it just me or do you miss fire joe morgan more than you miss your own grandma?
1. I've been wearing multiple hats at work. Literally. I was fired for it.
2. Don't forget to tell me to go to hell. I'll try to make it back by the end of the month. Hopefully I will have the will to force more unoriginal ideas by that time.
And is it just me or do you miss fire joe morgan more than you miss your own grandma?
Monday, May 25, 2009
Anger Rankings: How Bad Did I Eff Up my Fantasy Baseball Team
Warning to non-baseball dorks, this post is boring. Also, warning to baseball dorks...same warning. Just humor me, okay? Okay.
In the course of a fantasy season, everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes, they don't poison your team to the point of suck saturated. Other times, like my team in a 20 team league with my chums at protrade.com, your team is internet death. The fact I can already pinpoint 10 CONSIDERABLE mistakes ought to reveal my propensity to suck at fantasy sports.
Some ground rules!!!!!!!!!
These are not ranked in any particular order. I will give each item a "brain cells lost" rating on a one to five scale. The dumber the move, the higher the rating. Also, note that these are mistakes as of 5-25-09. There are players listed here who could rebound, as well as players I cannot afford to give up. Want an example? Let's start with #10.
10. Drafting Corey Hart in the 3rd Round:
I considered this guy a lock for 40 doubles, 20 homers, and 20 stolen bases. Still do, really. Totally ignored his 27BB/109K stinktastic in '08! Oddly enough, he's improved his plate discipline and already has 19 walks, improving his OBP from last year: .300 to .322. Paltry pants.
But I'm not alone here. Baseball Prospectus ranked him the #1 right fielder. Right above Nick Markakis (who I drafted in the second round....that's right, two OFs in the first three rounds). Corey Hart is currently on pace for a .245/.322/.399 with 15 homers and 11 stolen bases AND HUZZAH 40 DOUBLES. I think he will rebound, but as a reference point, the thus far superior Andre Ethier was taken in Round 6.
Rating: 2 brain cells lost out of 5. If BP gets it wrong, I'll follow them off the cliff.
9. Dropping Todd Helton:
I added Todd Helton on April 2nd, needing a decent utility after trading Nick Markakis for CC Sabathia. I dropped him on April 13th, IN A LEAGUE WITH A TRANSACTION LIMIT, I GAVE UP ON HIM AFTER ONLY SIX GAMES. God, I am stupid. Why am I so stupid, God?
On April 13th, Helton was batting .150/.217/.150 with no homers. Now he is batting .342/.392/.537 with six homers. Colossal.
Rating: 5 brain cells lost out of 5. Even worse considering my first base options are feces farmer Mike Jacobs and sack of nothing, unibrow, ADD sufferer Adam LaRoche. THIS MAKES ME ANGRY EVERY DAY I WAKE UP.
8. Trading Jayson Werth for Adam LaRoche and Jesus Flores:
I like Jesus Flores. He saved me from catcher limbo (aka Gerald Laird). But this is a keeper league, and no one keeps a catcher. Werth, on the other hand, is a good source of speed and power, and has eligibility at all outfield positions. He's the prototypical middle round keeper, finally getting his licks at the decent age of 30.
My hatred for Adam LaRoche is archived. Why did I trade for him? This is not a rhetorical question. Right now, the clown has eight more strikeouts than hits. Am I being harsh? No. If you are an Adam LaRoche fan, go in a corner and pray he reads this, takes his ADD medicine so he can focus on finding me, finds me, and kills me. The grammar in the previous sentence seems forced.
Mike Jacobs is Mickey Mantle compared to this unibro.
Rating: 3 out of 5. Love Flores too much to go higher.
7. Drafting Jeff Clement:
Side effects of researching your fantasy draft prospects may include:
1. Hoping for too much.
2. Thinking you're smarter than you actually are.
3. Drafting Jeff Clement.
I drafted this Seattle catching prospect, in the 11th round of a 17 round draft, thinking he may make a quick minor league impression and join the team sooner than later. Well, he's still in the minors, and is hitting well as he's always done in the minors. Problem is, I can't sit on him in a league with three bench slots. Not doing it for a catching prospect. Wouldn't be Clement. (This is a veiled attempt at parodying Dana Carvey's "Wouldn't be Prudent," fail)
I'd also note that every year I do this. I try to get cute drafting a catcher, avoiding the overvalued Joe Mauers and Russell Martins of the world. I'd say it bites me in the ass 85% of the time. In this particular draft, Jarrod Saltalamacchia was taken two rounds later, Kurt Suzuki three rounds. D'oh.
Rating: 3 out of 5. He'll make an impact eventually. I overrated him but good.
6. Drafting Brad Lidge in the fifth round. Not drafting anymore closers after that:
At this point I'm employing drastic measures to fix my team, a team that's currently 16th out of 20 with a 31-43-17 record. I've made an executive decision to give up saves, made that much more easier by Lidge's mental midgetry and mound gascan. Instead, I will employ more high K/9 starters in good matchups to try and take the remaining categories (ERA, WHIP, Ws, Ks). Holds can go to hell.
I don't believe drafting Brad Lidge was a huge mistake. I heard "he's due to blow up," but as we all know, there's no such thing as "being due." There are career proclivities however, and Lidge is reverting back to his 2006 and 2007 form, when he was 51 for 65 in save opportunities. In 2006 he had a 1.40 WHIP, his worst. This year he has a 2.08 WHIP. WHAT TO DO?
I traded him for Coco Crisp to replace Werth at the everday CF spot. You might be saying, Coco Crisp? Remember, I'm giving up on saves. Soon, I'm giving up on my team. This is not the future my mother warned me about.
Rating: 1 out of 5. This is more of a fantasy philosophical sea change than my unmatched stupidity.
5. Wasting Transactions on the Following Players: Andy LaRoche, Gerald Laird, Joe Thurston, Jody Gerut, Pat Burrell, Ryan Sweeney, Cody Ross, Ryan Spillborghs, Laynce Nix, Dallas Braden, Manny Parra:
Not all of these players are terrible, but what they all have in common is a minimal impact to my team. Minimal is putting it mildly, as none of them are still on my team. Some of these players I never started. This represents 11 wasted pickups through 25% of the season in a league with a limit of 50 transactions.
I've made 20 total transactions and only five have helped: Paul Maholm (his days are numbered), Alberto Callaspo (flavor of the month?), Jorge De La Rosa (high K/9), Michael Cuddyer (the crown jewel), and J.A. Happ (still pending).
If I was paid to do this, I'd be fired on the spot, sirs.
Rating: 4 out of 5. It would be five, but there's impulse involved in this too, not just stupidity.
4. Drafting Matt Thornton:
I'm morally opposed to holds. No one wants to waste a spot for middle relief, or waste a transaction for a cheap fantasy win. But, their inclusion helps balance the importance of pitching with hitting, so I'll bite my internet tongue and cope.
So why would I even draft a guy that produces nothing but holds? I don't know. Probably my HMO lobotomy.
Rating: 1 out of 5. He was my last pick. No biggie. The damn computer drafted Juan Pierre while I was on the John, so that was more frustrating. Barry Zito was drafted right after Thornton, followed by Dallas McPherson. Not like I missed out on gold mines.
3. I've never been in a keeper league:
Never!!!!!!!
We get to keep four players. I don't know how to draft with keeper league tendencies, or if keeper league tendencies were even necessary. But I drafted with clenched fist and anus in full panic mode because of these conditions. We get to keep four players. I don't know if my list of keepers makes sense (Kinsler, Billingsley, Choo..............Cuddyer?) Am I supposed to keep sleepers or my studs? It would seem silly to keep a stud and waste what could be a better first round player! ACKKKKKK, WHAT DO I DO? SURROUNDED BY KEEPER LEAGUE EXPERTS.
Rating: 0 out of 5. It's a list of ten things. Expect at least one stretch.
2. Dropping Ryan Theriot:
I still don't think Ryan Theriot is that good (currently 2 for his last 24 with no Rs and no RBIs), but I dropped him in favor of Alberto Callaspo, who's only good for doubles. When Theriot is on the right side of his streaks, he's good for speed, average, and runs on a team that's powerful when healthy.
He was a little too singles happy for my liking, so I gave up and dropped him on April 29th. He hit no homers in April. BUT HE HIT FIVE HOMERS IN MAY. Although, in fairness to me, in spite of the world being against it, his May numbers are .205/.279/.487. More doubles and homers, but too much major slumpage. I'd rather have Theriot than Callaspo, but the dropoff isn't too drastic.
Rating: 2 out of 5. Meh.
1. Drafting Armando Galarraga:
He sucks. I know he sucks. He's sneaky at his suckage. Fluke. Fluke. Fluke. ALL OF THE STATS POINTED TO THIS. I was told by smart people not to draft this guy. I drafted this guy. He started well, now he could possibly LOSE HIS GIG when Bondermann returns. Not just lose his gig, LOSE HIS GIG TO DONTRELLE WILLIS.
3-4, 5.74 ERA, 1.55 WHIP, 35 Ks, 24 BBs in 47.0 innings of diarrhea
HAS GIVEN UP EIGHT HOMERUNS IN HIS LAST FIVE STARTS.
I drafted him in Round 14. Here are some pitchers drafted after him: Jeremy Guthrie, Wandy Rodriguez, Joe Saunders, Rick Porcello, Paul Maholm. All better. All assured of their spots in the rotation.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
rating: 1,543,346,765,304 out of 5
diapers
In the course of a fantasy season, everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes, they don't poison your team to the point of suck saturated. Other times, like my team in a 20 team league with my chums at protrade.com, your team is internet death. The fact I can already pinpoint 10 CONSIDERABLE mistakes ought to reveal my propensity to suck at fantasy sports.
Some ground rules!!!!!!!!!
These are not ranked in any particular order. I will give each item a "brain cells lost" rating on a one to five scale. The dumber the move, the higher the rating. Also, note that these are mistakes as of 5-25-09. There are players listed here who could rebound, as well as players I cannot afford to give up. Want an example? Let's start with #10.
10. Drafting Corey Hart in the 3rd Round:
I considered this guy a lock for 40 doubles, 20 homers, and 20 stolen bases. Still do, really. Totally ignored his 27BB/109K stinktastic in '08! Oddly enough, he's improved his plate discipline and already has 19 walks, improving his OBP from last year: .300 to .322. Paltry pants.
But I'm not alone here. Baseball Prospectus ranked him the #1 right fielder. Right above Nick Markakis (who I drafted in the second round....that's right, two OFs in the first three rounds). Corey Hart is currently on pace for a .245/.322/.399 with 15 homers and 11 stolen bases AND HUZZAH 40 DOUBLES. I think he will rebound, but as a reference point, the thus far superior Andre Ethier was taken in Round 6.
Rating: 2 brain cells lost out of 5. If BP gets it wrong, I'll follow them off the cliff.
9. Dropping Todd Helton:
I added Todd Helton on April 2nd, needing a decent utility after trading Nick Markakis for CC Sabathia. I dropped him on April 13th, IN A LEAGUE WITH A TRANSACTION LIMIT, I GAVE UP ON HIM AFTER ONLY SIX GAMES. God, I am stupid. Why am I so stupid, God?
On April 13th, Helton was batting .150/.217/.150 with no homers. Now he is batting .342/.392/.537 with six homers. Colossal.
Rating: 5 brain cells lost out of 5. Even worse considering my first base options are feces farmer Mike Jacobs and sack of nothing, unibrow, ADD sufferer Adam LaRoche. THIS MAKES ME ANGRY EVERY DAY I WAKE UP.
8. Trading Jayson Werth for Adam LaRoche and Jesus Flores:
I like Jesus Flores. He saved me from catcher limbo (aka Gerald Laird). But this is a keeper league, and no one keeps a catcher. Werth, on the other hand, is a good source of speed and power, and has eligibility at all outfield positions. He's the prototypical middle round keeper, finally getting his licks at the decent age of 30.
My hatred for Adam LaRoche is archived. Why did I trade for him? This is not a rhetorical question. Right now, the clown has eight more strikeouts than hits. Am I being harsh? No. If you are an Adam LaRoche fan, go in a corner and pray he reads this, takes his ADD medicine so he can focus on finding me, finds me, and kills me. The grammar in the previous sentence seems forced.
Mike Jacobs is Mickey Mantle compared to this unibro.
Rating: 3 out of 5. Love Flores too much to go higher.
7. Drafting Jeff Clement:
Side effects of researching your fantasy draft prospects may include:
1. Hoping for too much.
2. Thinking you're smarter than you actually are.
3. Drafting Jeff Clement.
I drafted this Seattle catching prospect, in the 11th round of a 17 round draft, thinking he may make a quick minor league impression and join the team sooner than later. Well, he's still in the minors, and is hitting well as he's always done in the minors. Problem is, I can't sit on him in a league with three bench slots. Not doing it for a catching prospect. Wouldn't be Clement. (This is a veiled attempt at parodying Dana Carvey's "Wouldn't be Prudent," fail)
I'd also note that every year I do this. I try to get cute drafting a catcher, avoiding the overvalued Joe Mauers and Russell Martins of the world. I'd say it bites me in the ass 85% of the time. In this particular draft, Jarrod Saltalamacchia was taken two rounds later, Kurt Suzuki three rounds. D'oh.
Rating: 3 out of 5. He'll make an impact eventually. I overrated him but good.
6. Drafting Brad Lidge in the fifth round. Not drafting anymore closers after that:
At this point I'm employing drastic measures to fix my team, a team that's currently 16th out of 20 with a 31-43-17 record. I've made an executive decision to give up saves, made that much more easier by Lidge's mental midgetry and mound gascan. Instead, I will employ more high K/9 starters in good matchups to try and take the remaining categories (ERA, WHIP, Ws, Ks). Holds can go to hell.
I don't believe drafting Brad Lidge was a huge mistake. I heard "he's due to blow up," but as we all know, there's no such thing as "being due." There are career proclivities however, and Lidge is reverting back to his 2006 and 2007 form, when he was 51 for 65 in save opportunities. In 2006 he had a 1.40 WHIP, his worst. This year he has a 2.08 WHIP. WHAT TO DO?
I traded him for Coco Crisp to replace Werth at the everday CF spot. You might be saying, Coco Crisp? Remember, I'm giving up on saves. Soon, I'm giving up on my team. This is not the future my mother warned me about.
Rating: 1 out of 5. This is more of a fantasy philosophical sea change than my unmatched stupidity.
5. Wasting Transactions on the Following Players: Andy LaRoche, Gerald Laird, Joe Thurston, Jody Gerut, Pat Burrell, Ryan Sweeney, Cody Ross, Ryan Spillborghs, Laynce Nix, Dallas Braden, Manny Parra:
Not all of these players are terrible, but what they all have in common is a minimal impact to my team. Minimal is putting it mildly, as none of them are still on my team. Some of these players I never started. This represents 11 wasted pickups through 25% of the season in a league with a limit of 50 transactions.
I've made 20 total transactions and only five have helped: Paul Maholm (his days are numbered), Alberto Callaspo (flavor of the month?), Jorge De La Rosa (high K/9), Michael Cuddyer (the crown jewel), and J.A. Happ (still pending).
If I was paid to do this, I'd be fired on the spot, sirs.
Rating: 4 out of 5. It would be five, but there's impulse involved in this too, not just stupidity.
4. Drafting Matt Thornton:
I'm morally opposed to holds. No one wants to waste a spot for middle relief, or waste a transaction for a cheap fantasy win. But, their inclusion helps balance the importance of pitching with hitting, so I'll bite my internet tongue and cope.
So why would I even draft a guy that produces nothing but holds? I don't know. Probably my HMO lobotomy.
Rating: 1 out of 5. He was my last pick. No biggie. The damn computer drafted Juan Pierre while I was on the John, so that was more frustrating. Barry Zito was drafted right after Thornton, followed by Dallas McPherson. Not like I missed out on gold mines.
3. I've never been in a keeper league:
Never!!!!!!!
We get to keep four players. I don't know how to draft with keeper league tendencies, or if keeper league tendencies were even necessary. But I drafted with clenched fist and anus in full panic mode because of these conditions. We get to keep four players. I don't know if my list of keepers makes sense (Kinsler, Billingsley, Choo..............Cuddyer?) Am I supposed to keep sleepers or my studs? It would seem silly to keep a stud and waste what could be a better first round player! ACKKKKKK, WHAT DO I DO? SURROUNDED BY KEEPER LEAGUE EXPERTS.
Rating: 0 out of 5. It's a list of ten things. Expect at least one stretch.
2. Dropping Ryan Theriot:
I still don't think Ryan Theriot is that good (currently 2 for his last 24 with no Rs and no RBIs), but I dropped him in favor of Alberto Callaspo, who's only good for doubles. When Theriot is on the right side of his streaks, he's good for speed, average, and runs on a team that's powerful when healthy.
He was a little too singles happy for my liking, so I gave up and dropped him on April 29th. He hit no homers in April. BUT HE HIT FIVE HOMERS IN MAY. Although, in fairness to me, in spite of the world being against it, his May numbers are .205/.279/.487. More doubles and homers, but too much major slumpage. I'd rather have Theriot than Callaspo, but the dropoff isn't too drastic.
Rating: 2 out of 5. Meh.
1. Drafting Armando Galarraga:
He sucks. I know he sucks. He's sneaky at his suckage. Fluke. Fluke. Fluke. ALL OF THE STATS POINTED TO THIS. I was told by smart people not to draft this guy. I drafted this guy. He started well, now he could possibly LOSE HIS GIG when Bondermann returns. Not just lose his gig, LOSE HIS GIG TO DONTRELLE WILLIS.
3-4, 5.74 ERA, 1.55 WHIP, 35 Ks, 24 BBs in 47.0 innings of diarrhea
HAS GIVEN UP EIGHT HOMERUNS IN HIS LAST FIVE STARTS.
I drafted him in Round 14. Here are some pitchers drafted after him: Jeremy Guthrie, Wandy Rodriguez, Joe Saunders, Rick Porcello, Paul Maholm. All better. All assured of their spots in the rotation.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
rating: 1,543,346,765,304 out of 5
diapers
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Post Three: Mailing it in, Yahoo style
This is Post Three of Seven Post Sunday. Yahoo links to some silly mess.
According to some rube named Gretchin Rubin, there are seven topics to avoid in social conversation. She believes you will become a bore if you don't heed her advice. I'm going to disprove her evidence with some of the gems I've used in partay situations. Ready, go:
1. A dream
"I had a dream last night guys.....guys come here....I had a dream last night that I went to a baseball game, but the fans sat on the field, and the game was played in the stands. I went with Julius Caesar, but he wasn't dressed like Julius, he was dressed like a 1920s bank robber. It was a good look for him."
2. The recent changes in your child's nap schedule
"My kid is napping all the time now...guys come here....my kid is napping all the time guys. When he wakes up I scream "GO BACK TO SLEEP" and he goes back to sleep for fear of no dinner Mondays."
3. The route you took to get here
"I took the highway. I hit a dog, too. I brought the keg, it's only half full. Sorry."
4. An excellent meal you had once at a restaurant
"You guys heard of this place? It's called Burger King. I had one of these....uh...one of these Whop...pers. Good stuff, good stuff. You should try one. I hit a dog on the way here."
5. The latest addition to your wine cellar
"....."
Okay, I've got nothing here. If you talk about this, you are a douche personified.
6.An account of your last tennis game
"I was down 40-love with the game on the line. I ended up losing, but he ended up dead......so.....we partyin'!"
7. The plot of a movie, play or book—in particular, the funny parts.
"Bruce Willis is dead. Verbal Kent is Kaizer Soze. The ape planet was earth. ET CETERA!!!!!!!!!"
Go out and repeat all of these words and become a debutant, jackass.
According to some rube named Gretchin Rubin, there are seven topics to avoid in social conversation. She believes you will become a bore if you don't heed her advice. I'm going to disprove her evidence with some of the gems I've used in partay situations. Ready, go:
1. A dream
"I had a dream last night guys.....guys come here....I had a dream last night that I went to a baseball game, but the fans sat on the field, and the game was played in the stands. I went with Julius Caesar, but he wasn't dressed like Julius, he was dressed like a 1920s bank robber. It was a good look for him."
2. The recent changes in your child's nap schedule
"My kid is napping all the time now...guys come here....my kid is napping all the time guys. When he wakes up I scream "GO BACK TO SLEEP" and he goes back to sleep for fear of no dinner Mondays."
3. The route you took to get here
"I took the highway. I hit a dog, too. I brought the keg, it's only half full. Sorry."
4. An excellent meal you had once at a restaurant
"You guys heard of this place? It's called Burger King. I had one of these....uh...one of these Whop...pers. Good stuff, good stuff. You should try one. I hit a dog on the way here."
5. The latest addition to your wine cellar
"....."
Okay, I've got nothing here. If you talk about this, you are a douche personified.
6.An account of your last tennis game
"I was down 40-love with the game on the line. I ended up losing, but he ended up dead......so.....we partyin'!"
7. The plot of a movie, play or book—in particular, the funny parts.
"Bruce Willis is dead. Verbal Kent is Kaizer Soze. The ape planet was earth. ET CETERA!!!!!!!!!"
Go out and repeat all of these words and become a debutant, jackass.
Post Two: Twitter Sucks
This is Post Two of Seven Post Sunday. Twitter sucks.
Chris Cornell just took a dump. My life is fulfilled. Hannah Montana just bought a lamp. Take me now God, existence complete. Tay Zonday can still pay rent. Humanity is finally validated.
Want to see how inconsequential your life is? Use twitter. I strain to type something interesting from my life on twitter. My life is boring. But you know where the solace is? SO'S EVERYONE ELSE'S.
140 character limit to tell me that you thought Susan Boyle was beautiful inside, even though her face IS a bag full of bowling balls.
140 character limit to tell me what kind of sushi Trent Reznor had at 4 in the morning because he no longer uses drugs so he's a tweaking roid freak with creativity purge. (Note: Kidding, love NIN)
140 character limit for "Real" Shaq to type twizm 30 times. Shaq sucks people, get it through your heads. He's been irrelevant since the Lakers. Wade won him the fourth championship. (Note: Kidding, I hate Twitter)
I haven't twittered in six days (busy at the lead painted toy factory), so I want you folks at home to suggest my next tweet. If I don't get a comment in five days, I will assume the apocalypse is finally here. I've got nothing but canned beans in the attic. Let's do this.
Chris Cornell just took a dump. My life is fulfilled. Hannah Montana just bought a lamp. Take me now God, existence complete. Tay Zonday can still pay rent. Humanity is finally validated.
Want to see how inconsequential your life is? Use twitter. I strain to type something interesting from my life on twitter. My life is boring. But you know where the solace is? SO'S EVERYONE ELSE'S.
140 character limit to tell me that you thought Susan Boyle was beautiful inside, even though her face IS a bag full of bowling balls.
140 character limit to tell me what kind of sushi Trent Reznor had at 4 in the morning because he no longer uses drugs so he's a tweaking roid freak with creativity purge. (Note: Kidding, love NIN)
140 character limit for "Real" Shaq to type twizm 30 times. Shaq sucks people, get it through your heads. He's been irrelevant since the Lakers. Wade won him the fourth championship. (Note: Kidding, I hate Twitter)
I haven't twittered in six days (busy at the lead painted toy factory), so I want you folks at home to suggest my next tweet. If I don't get a comment in five days, I will assume the apocalypse is finally here. I've got nothing but canned beans in the attic. Let's do this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Subscribe To
Posts
All Comments
