Bit Revisited: SPENCER'S TOP GIFT

It's the beer boot.

You drink beer out of it, and it looks like a boot. The inventor is a ?-ionaire. You can put your shame in it. Let's cut the crap and get to the reviews:

(There are none.)

So let's move on to the Beer Pong Table. Beer Pong is a special game, played by special people, that requires a special table. Let's cut the crap and get to the reviews:

From beerponger69,

"I just got my table a few weeks ago and it's terrific, especially for the money. It's a tad short, so it's not "regulation" but you'll forget all about that after a few rounds of play. It's size does make it easy to transport and you'll be the life of the party! And with the compartment to hold the balls, it's perfect. I shopped around before buying, and found a lot of great tables but I didn't want to spend what others were asking. This more than does the trick. Would definitely recommend!"

Damn. Not even regulation? The statistics shall be stricken from the record from here on out!

Key words: Life of the party. I've just ordered two. I'm going to saw the second one and glue it to the first one to create a table of regulation size and tensile strength.

For giggles (and/or shits), here's my review:

"Me and the misses always be getting drunk. Sometimes we play lots of games like 'Face Pinata' and 'Dance with Electricity'. Most times though we be playin' beer table tennis while the kids watch Dora. Hell if I don't win every game, and even if the misses wins, I end up winning by gettin loud. She can't do nothin'. What she gonna do? She got outstandins, she can't do shit to me. I'm my own boss. This table is also good for eatin' and that thing I do with a knife in the spaces between my splayed fingers. Yeah, I multitask. I'm a champion in life and in beer pong with my unregulation size piece of crap table."

Ric Flair: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

My sincerest apologies

When I composed that extremely serious piece on Elizabeth Lambert's actions in the BYU-New Mexico game, I mistakenly referred to the two teams "competing in the Western Athletic Conference" when they actually compete in the Mountain West Conference. Needless to say, I corrected the error posthaste when someone notified me in the following manner:

"You not only don't know shiit about the game you even manage to get the conference wrong. It's not WAC idiot but MWC."

I have to admit it. I don't know shiit about women's college soccer. You got me, sir (potentially mam). Mea culpa on the whole idiot thing. Webster's defines idiot...

1. usually offensive: a person affected with mental retardation
2. a foolish or stupid person
3. someone who doesn't know shiit about women's college soccer

An olive branch, I submit to you, anonymous.

Also, congratulations to Fedor on his UFC win.

ELIZABETH LAMBERT'S HOUSE OF SOCCER

IT'S LAMBERT TIME. LOLOLOLOLOLOL

"Soccer isn't soccer until the grass is red and daughters are dead." -Elizabeth Lambert's issued apology

"Yeah, I play the game hard. My moms says I'm the Roberto Alomar of women's Mountain West Conference soccer. But he just spit. I like to gouge and spit, gouge and spit. It's like how a boxer sticks and moves, except I am made of hate fluid." -Elizabeth Lambert's twitter

"I grabbed her pony tail and I was like 'this sure is pretty'. Then she said 'Uh-,' and before she knew it she was eating soil. I thought I knocked her out, but alas. I did not knock that bitch out, which is one of the most rudimentary of soccer fundamentals." -Elizabeth Lambert's press conference

"So coach had told me 'Play hard, Elizabeth.' It was my fault. I thought she said 'Play with murderous intentions, destruct-o-bot.'" -Elizabeth Lambert's myspace

"What I did has been done. I'd imagine you see that all the time when ESPN is showing highlights for women's MWC soccer. I figure tha-BLOOD IS NUTRITIOUS." -Elizabeth Lambert's public statement

"I hate Mormons. Try and stop me." -Elizabeth Lambert's facebook

PROOFREAD

He is be the first Japanese player to receive honor.

Also: For a man nicknamed Godzilla, Matsui went straight monster mash against Philadelphia.

Also: Only an RBI singles has prevented announcers from calling the score as "Matsui 6, Philadelphia 3." Keep in mind the tense well after the game ended.

Way to commemorate the World Series Yahoo. You was did a good job.

Worst Candy

This is kinda my bag.

There is a litany of terrible Halloween candies. You'll notice them in the stash you stole from the weakest kid on the street. That happened, I'm assuming. Unless you're one of the adults that still gets dressed up like a fictional character and pretends you belong amongst the litany of kindergartners. That's right. "Litany" twice.

Old folks are HUGE culprits in this regard. They never let go of their memories, and they refuse to accept what day it is. Kids, heed! The second you see a geriatric come to the door, run like the wind to the mailbox and kick it. Old people should not participate in Halloween because their candy expertise is outdated and possibly racist.

In my day, the old people would say "in my day" and then give out Bit O' Honey. The only use for this candy was to remove baby teeth. Made from the same material used for tank tread, Bit O'Honey tasted like a dead possum's mouth, according to the company's website. Just kidding, they don't still make this poop. Maybe they do. Meh.

There's also Charleston Chew, fermented in the brine of Charleston's fishing district. The theme for old people is chewy garbage. Old folks cannot do crunchy, and since they only think of themselves, they project their preferences onto the helpless children. WE WANT CRUNCH, NOUGAT, PEANUTS, CHOCOLATE, PEANUT BUTTER, AND THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW.

I WILL NOT STAND FOR OLD PEOPLE LIVING IN RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOODS, OR CANDY THAT TASTES LIKE BRIDGESTONE/FIRESTONE.

People, write your Congressman and tell him that it's time we put old people in camps.

How was your Halloween?

I watched football. Outside.

I took the television outside and watched college football in the rain. The overt display served as fair warning to parents not to approach me. And it's not that I didn't have candy, I had plenty of candy. Here's the rub: the candy was for me. I tried to make this clear by shoving it in my face. Not even in my mouth really, but just my face in general.

You know what I really enjoy? Reece Davis forcing just about any and every Halloween image into college football highlights. "Ooooooooo, here come some ghoulish highlights of the USC-Oregon game. They will sure give Trojan fans a fright. Ahhhh, BOOOOOOOOOOO." He should've just said "Here's Lou Holtz in HD, Happy Halloween heathen college football gamblers." or "Did you take Oklahoma -28 over Kansas State? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".

FYI: I'm pretty sure it's "Reece" Davis and not "Reese," but google is screwing with my mind. "Don't you mean Reese Davis, tardo?" No, I do not.

Nothing but rain the entire holiday. I took the opportunity to drive around the neighborhood and yell at all costumed individuals over the age of 11. "Ready to grow up now, fatso!" I would yell and then I'd drench them with the nearest puddle as I ate a free taco. Your holiday is a pagan borefest and Paranormal Activity put me to sleep.

OOOOOOOOOOO, IT'S LOW BUDGET.

In all seriousness, go to hell. Halloween was fun ten years ago. Just like the cast of NCIS: Los Angeles.

Oh, and turn back your clocks and get that extra hour of sleep you deserve from handing out fun size candies because you were too cheap to buy filling full size candy. You make America sick.

Back and the same as ever if not worse

BALLOON FIGHT

LOOK HERE

YOU

Yankees in twelve. Call your bookies.

The One Year Anniversary

The following things lasted a year:

-Prussia
-This blog
-H1N1
-Balloon Boy's childhood

Topical vomit.

I have lasted a complete year writing about four things:

-Andrew Zimmern
-Yahoo
-Anger Rankings
-Carlos Boozer's Divorce

Here are some keywords webbers have used to find my blog (no joke):

-"Swine flu causes dark nipples?"
-"swine flu jokes growing nipples"
-"katie freiling scam" (I feel guilty about this. She's one of those internet marketers just trying to make her way with nonsense, and I said some extremely mean things about her. Oh no, I'm not taking them back, or deleting the post. Just feeling guilty, that's all.)
-"carlos boozer divorce reason"

My traffic rank according to alexa.com is 27,426,040. That took me a year. As someone once said:

"If your only aims in editing a sports blog are traffic and pageviews, you need counseling." -KSK

I'd argue that this isn't a sports blog.

What's in store for the coming year? The movie 2012. They just couldn't wait, could they? Three years early and you are costing yourself the "possible true story" angle. Transformers did the same thing this year. They should have waited until 3045.

So, I'm still here. And here. And here. Go to those places and become disappointed with technology. Don't have time? Google a picture of a cat farting in a dog's face. It will make your day.

Perfection

Prince of Kong

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I AM DYING FROM THIS.

http://insider.espn.go.com/insider/magazine/body/issue

PAY TO SEE SERENA WILLIAMS AND OTHER AWKWARD ATHLETES IN SWIMWEAR

AHAHAHAHA, ESPN IS SO DUMB

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

quantity > quality